LORENDA'S TOP TEN TIPS FOR PARENTS
10--YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME
You might as well face it, parents...if you are having problems with your child, you have got to take a long, hard look at your own behaviors. I know it can be a hard pill to swallow at first, but when you embrace the fact that you are to blame for your kid's behavior problems, it's actually empowering to you. I mean, it's a relief to know there is something you can do about it...and when you begin to take the steps necessary, you will form new habits and it will quickly become second nature; therefore, making your life simpler. So, take a deep breath, sit back, and just take it... In the end, your child will have a healthier, happier life, and so will you!
What are we thinking anyway, when we bring a child into this world? That we give birth and our responsibility ends there? Proverbs 17:6 says, "Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children." Interesting twist of words there... Are you going to be the "pride" of your children??? I think maybe we too often live so fully in the frustrating moments of today that we forget these children will one day be grown, and we might actually desire a relationship with them... Perhaps even desire them to remember their youth with fondness and think of us as good, honorable parents. Let that old song, "Cat's in the Cradle" freak you out enough that you won't let it happen to you!
9--EMBRACE THE COMMITMENT WITH JOY
Every relationship is overly romanticized in the beginning. A new friendship, a new love, even a new experience with God... The same is true of having children. We're so excited at first, so enthusiastic, no one can talk us out of our euphoria at the prospect of bringing life into this world. Maybe you weren't as extreme as others, but you have to admit some "romanticization" of the idea of having a child. Then, you had that child, and sooner or later, reality set in... Maybe it was all the sleep lost during those first months... maybe it was the "terrible twos"... maybe it was the onset of puberty and you suddenly thought there was an alien in your child's body... maybe it was when your teenager's hormones began raging... We can all think of a time when the realization of the daunting task lying before us hit home. When that moment comes or comes again, stop yourself. Then, purposefully remind yourself that this child is a gift from God...a gift from God to you. Psalm 127:3 says, "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him."
Just as every relationship has a "honeymoon over" moment, so every relationship, too, has an "I choose to love" moment... We must embrace the commitment we've made -- and not begrudgingly, because our children will see through that immediately and consequently be damaged. No! Embrace the commitment with joy! Your child has the potential to bring you the greatest joy in this life. Not because he is the most handsome, the most perfect, the smartest, the most fit, the funniest, etc...no, but because he is your greatest reward from God, and you are committed to him and to the short time God has entrusted you to raise him. Once you embrace that commitment, you will often have moments of true joy as you watch this rising star living under your roof instead of the opposite: sorrow as you watch yourself raise a loser... "A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son grief to his mother" --Proverbs 10:1.
8--YOUR CHILD IS NOT AN ALIEN LIFE FORM
There's something about puberty that makes you wonder who took your adorable little child and replaced her with a strange alien life form. But before you go belly-aching to your friends about your horrible lot in life, think about what your poor child must be feeling. She doesn't understand what is happening to her body, much less to her mind and emotions. She suddenly feels terribly awkward and downright scared about what is going on. You must do everything within your power to put her at ease and love her through this frightening transition. This is the time when it is absolutely critical to have open lines of communication. If your child has trouble opening up to you, think about how you approach him. Do you make it easy and okay for him to say anything at all to you? Do you laugh and make fun of the things that make him feel awkward? I'm not talking about being lighthearted and having some good laughs together. I'm talking about making him feel even more stupid and awkward than he already does. You must do whatever it takes to put your child at ease so he can open up... Take him to Sonic for a coke, go for a walk with him, sit and watch her favorite tv show with her...create moments for conversation.
One of the best times for conversation with your child is at bedtime. Don't always be rushed. Take time, be patient and listen. It may even be easier for him to express himself if the light is off. Don't be quick to judge what he says. You know, James 1:19 says, "...Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry...", and if ever there was a time to apply this verse, it would be with your child during the puberty years! This is still your precious child -- he may just look and act a little differently now. Some huge mistakes can be made during this time...don't let that happen on your watch!
7--WHEN YOU CARE ABOUT SOMEONE, YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO GIVE THEM ATTENTION
Spending quality time with your kids is essential to their well-being. It's as simple as that. Take your child somewhere special with "just you" every so often -- a date with dad, a date with mom. One of the nice things about kids is that they are easily entertained. Even as they get older. If Putt-Putt or Peter Piper doesn't work anymore, go for a movie...one you can watch together and then discuss afterward. Or go to a nice restaurant, their choice.
Apart from the special times, come home from work at a decent hour. Sit on the sofa for a few minutes with your arm around your child, listening to them. Be attentive, be interested. It doesn't necessarily take a lot of time, just good quality. And then, do those really special things, like vacation every year. It is so important to create fun memories of quality family time for your kids. If you want your dog to be well-behaved, you spend time with it. How much more your kids! Don't let the routine of life dull your sensibilities toward the ones you love most.
6--DISCIPLINE IS NOT A DIRTY WORD
Discipline: On-purpose, careful, deliberate, loving training for a better life. Why do we humans always seem to function best in extremes? I guess because it's just easier to either let our kids get away with everything or to keep some semblance of control through anger. It doesn't take any thought that way -- just reaction or the lack thereof. But that is the lazy parent's way out, and believe me, you will live to regret it. The answer to controlling your child's behavior? Discipline. The Proverbs have a lot to say about this...3:11,12; 5:21-23; 10:17; 12:1; 15:5, 32; etc.... (The Proverbs are actually full of excellent instruction and practical wisdom for living.) Chapter 22, verse 6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." To me, this verse indicates the results of true discipline. If you are harsh or punitive with your child, he will not want to live in the way you have trained him when he is older. So, this speaks to what discipline is not.
If you never set any limits for your child, she will feel out-of-control, and she will then act in out-of-control ways. Discipline done right is in setting healthy boundaries for your child and then giving reasonable consequences for misbehavior. For example, a healthy boundary is a curfew; a reasonable consequence for breaking curfew is not allowing your child to go out the next weekend. You can have all the conversation you want about the infraction, but if you never provide a healthy consequence, your chances for helping your child develop healthy habits for a successful future are much less likely.
5--YOU ARE NOT ALONE (PUT GOD FIRST)
"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain..." --Psalm 127. When the burden of parenting gets too heavy or the task seems too daunting, remember you don't have to do this alone. If you will surrender your life and your home to the lordship of Jesus, you will find unlimited grace and strength for each new day. Allow him to be the leader of your home, let his words guide you, and when you don't have the answers, take your family to the one who does. Teach your kids to walk with God by example. Be careful to pass on a love of God's words to your children by learning how to use them correctly yourself. God wants you to have healthy, successful family relationships. He is on your side!
4--IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE AND START OVER
Never underestimate the power of an apology. And, I don't mean a half-hearted, back-handed one -- "You know I lose my temper sometimes,"..."You know the pressure I'm under at work,"..."I'm sorry I got angry, but you shouldn't have done what you did." No, I mean a genuine, heartfelt apology. "I'm sorry, and I will do my best to do it differently next time." And, then, do it differently next time. The only thing worse than never hearing an apology is hearing one apology after another, but never seeing a change in behavior. Kids pick up on that stuff. The amazing thing about kids, though, is their ability to forgive and move on! So, realize that as a parent you must humble yourself and be quick to admit when you've blown it.
If your child always seems to have his feelings hurt around you, chances are he has good reason to. We have absolutely got to realize the power we have as parents to harm or bring good into our kids' lives. Take a hard look at yourself and see what subtle, or maybe not-so-subtle messages you are sending to your precious child.
3--WORDS MATTER
If you think you can constantly speak negative words to your child about himself and expect to get positive results, you are sadly mistaken. Even if, for some crazy reason, you don't think your daughter is beautiful...or if you think you will "spoil" your son if you compliment him -- get over it. Your daughter needs to hear words of affirmation about her physical beauty, as well as her inner beauty. In this instance, it really works -- if you say it enough, it will come true. If you build up your son with positive words, his chances are much greater of growing into a mentally healthy and confident young man. Your daughter needs to hear that she is beautiful, especially from her father. This is one of the greatest gifts you can give her. John Mayer had a song out a few years ago called "Daughters" that worded it well. Parents, you have the power to build up or tear down with your words. How could you bring that precious life into this world, and then spend all the years after speaking negativity into his soul? Many times, it's not even a deliberate thing. We simply get too busy or self-absorbed to pay attention to what we say and how we say it. We take for granted that our children are with us all the time and forget they need us to focus on them every so often. Every one of us can remember something negative that was said to us in our childhood years, or vice versa, we can remember some positive comment that did wonders for our self-esteem. Remember that as you live out life with your children, and let it inform your words on a daily basis. And don't forget the three simple words that say it all... "I love you." Say it often. Say it with conviction.
2--HUGS AND KISSES GALORE
Kids need affection. We all need affection. Maybe your mom never hugged you. Maybe your dad didn't know how to be affectionate. Don't allow your own childhood lack to keep you from giving your children what they so desperately need. Maybe you were affectionate when they were small, but now that they have reached puberty, you feel awkward. Don't let that stop you. Your child needs hugs and kisses from you, no matter what their age. Let them know you love them, not only with your words, but also with your actions!
1--LOVE CONQUERS ALL
"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." -- Proverbs 10:12
"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." -- I Peter 4:8
When you are in the middle of a dilemma concerning your kids, ask yourself what love would do. Before you do that, though, you'd better get a clear picture of what love really is. Read I Corinthians 13, study it, ask God to help you understand it and help you apply it to your parenting. In the end, love wins.
c2009 Lorenda Houston
