Lorenda's Top Ten Tips for a Successful Marriage

What is a "successful" marriage? One that simply lasts? I knew of a couple celebrating a milestone anniversary, and as I was giving the usual congrats, someone who knew them well informed me there wasn't much to congratulate because of the way the wife was mistreated through the years -- NOT a successful marriage. So, then, a successful marriage must be one that lasts AND one in which both partners are fulfilled and satisfied in every way. Well, show me a marriage like that, and I'll say you're not looking closely enough. So, what is it, then?... I guess my definition of a successful marriage is one that has some bumps and bruises, so to speak, but the husband and wife work through them...kinda like the Energizer bunny -- "takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'"...take it a step further, though, and not only do they work through hardships but they learn through them and grow constantly -- the same thing that makes a successful individual. Never stop growing and learning and never give up. With that in mind, here are my top ten tips for a successful marriage...

10. BE THE FIRST TO APOLOGIZE

Maybe you feel you did absolutely nothing to apologize for, but if you will be the one to make the first move toward reconciliation, the air will finally clear enough to at least begin productive dialogue. Remember, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger", Proverbs 15:1. Soften your heart and don't always be the one who has to have the last word. Where does that ever get us anyway?

9. COMMUNICATE

As much as we like to think we can, no one can read minds. So many things, both conscious and subconscious, play into how we act and react in any given situation, and as much as you might know about your spouse, only God knows the most intricate workings of her mind. Therefore, the only way to solve problems is by communication: opening the mouth and speaking, closing the mouth and listening. That doesn't mean that you should harangue your spouse until he talks, though! Maybe he needs a little time and space to consider what he is thinking and feeling, and that's okay. A good rule of thumb is, if you are the "talker" -- the loud one, the one who always speaks her mind -- shut up for a while; and if you are the "listener" -- the quiet one, the one who has a hard time voicing thoughts -- open your mouth and blurt things out more often. All relationships require communication in order to grow, but in long-term relationships it gets too easy to fall into the lazy rhythms of our own personalities, and that is where growth stops.

8. CREATE A LIFE APART FROM EXTENDED FAMILY

After you marry, your spouse comes first. The only exception to this rule is if you have children below the age of 18 from a previous marriage -- then, your children come first. Barring that scenerio, your spouse and your marriage should take precedence over all other extended family. That doesn't mean you shouldn't maintain relations with mom and dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts or uncles...it just means if you ever have to choose, it's an easy choice. Most people are at least somewhat familiar with the passage in Genesis, chapter 2, verse 24 -- "...a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh". Those few words say a lot about what marriage is meant to be. In the beginning, when God created, he didn't create mom and dad and their kids and all their extended family all at once...he created man and woman to be united as one flesh.

7. BE AFFECTIONATE

All the things we craved so much when we were dating should continue to be a part of our relationship as it ages... Hugs... Kisses... Holding hands... Basically, there was a time you couldn't keep your hands off each other, couldn't stop saying sweet things to each other, couldn't stop giving gifts, laughing, cuddling, snuggling -- why should that change?!

6. GIVE 100% OF YOURSELF 100% OF THE TIME

Marriage is the ultimate partnership. This partnership, however, is not 50-50. It's 100-100. Don't let your mind play its dirty tricks on you: "I'll do that if he'll do this," or "She never does what I want, so I'm not going to do what she wants". Try giving 100% of yourself all the time and see what happens!

5. BFFs = BEST FRIENDS FOREVER

What is your idea of a best friend? Take that and be that to your spouse. No one else should hold that most special of places. That's not to say other friendships don't have their place -- they just should never come before your most important friendship! So many people wonder why they have problems at home when they are constantly confiding in other people about their spouse and their problems instead of confiding in their spouse. It makes no sense.

4. CREATE MEMORIES

Vacations... Days off... Special date nights... Anniversary celebrations... Sweet surprises... One of the most fun things about marriage is being able to enjoy, nonstop, the company of that one you love most in life. You should be creating memories all the time. Sure, life gets mundane sometimes, but it doesn't have to be all the time. Save your money and then spend it on this most foundational relationship, and you will reap a lifetime of rewards from it. Take lots of pictures and look back to remind yourself of all the love you have shared. When times get tough, your memories can help you hang on and hold out for better times to come again.

3. FIGHT RIGHT

Any close relationship has its battles. Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another". For that to happen, one must "rub" against another, which speaks of conflict. A few verses up, verse 6 says, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted...". A marriage relationship can be the best for getting rid of negative things within ourselves, but we have to be willing to "fight right" in order for that to happen. No good comes from avoiding conflict at all costs, and no good comes from constant conflict. Find yourself somewhere in the middle, and then allow your disagreements and arguments to help you evaluate yourself and become a better person. If you find that nothing is ever resolved, evaluate how you fight and do something different next time.

2. KEEP ROMANCE ALIVE

Why did you get married? Was it because you simply wanted a business partner? Was it simply because you wanted a friend? Was it only because you didn't want to live alone? Of course not! You got married because you fell in love with someone and felt you couldn't live without him, couldn't sleep without him, couldn't eat without him! You wanted to share the deepest parts of your soul with her, hold her, caress her, and share yourself in the most ultimate and binding of ways -- through a sexual relationship. Don't let that most important and foundational part of your marriage fade! It is your responsibility to fulfill your spouse sexually, and for you to find sexual fulfillment in your marriage relationship. This is the beauty of what God has granted us in marriage. Keep the romance alive, whatever it takes!

1. DIVORCE? NEVER HEARD OF IT.

Take the word "divorce" completely out of your vocabulary. Marriage is a commitment. Commitments can become burdensome at times. Commitments can feel like a drag sometimes. Commitments can take work to keep. But, marriage is a love commitment, the deepest of all commitments, and it is worth fighting for. If you throw the word "divorce" around, stop it, apologize for it, and never do it again. If you will commit yourself to your spouse as if you are "one flesh", you will find you will become a better person, as will he, and you will find the fulfillment and happiness you always dreamed marriage could provide. Commitment is not always difficult. Commitment can also bring out the very best in us and can make this life more beautiful and fulfilling in every way.


c2009 Lorenda Houston