Monday, October 26, 2009
It's more popular than Solataire...
"You ruined my life!"
"I'm not happy because of you!"
The Blame Game. The most commonly played game in the world.
"If only God would..."
"If only the government would..."
"If only the church would..."
"If only my parents would..."
"If only my spouse would..."
"If only my kids would..."
"If only my friends would..."
"If only you would..."
.... "then I could..."
The fact is that until we start looking at ourselves and saying, "What can I do about this?", nothing will get better in our lives.
Instead of, "You ruined my life!", it should be, "I allowed you to create chaos in my life, and I'm not going to allow it anymore." Once we recognize our own responsibility in each situation and relationship in our lives, we can then begin to take the steps we need to take to fix things. If you feel someone is ruining your life, what can you do about it? You can remove yourself from the equation. You can't change that person, but you CAN change yourself. That realization is empowering because no longer do you need to be a victim of someone or something else.
Of course, there are too many times we enjoy being the victim. We want to blame someone else for our problems because as long as we do that, we don't have to take any action to make ourselves better. We can wallow in self-pity and point the finger at our parents, at the government, at God, at the church -- everyone but ourselves -- and feel justified in living however we please because, "It's not my fault". Sadly, when we choose to live like that, we not only hurt ourselves but everyone around us as well.
No one can change the past, but we CAN move on from here.
No one can force changes in the government, but we CAN make personal choices that will positively effect those around us and make life better.
No one can force the hand of God, but we CAN surrender our lives to him and know we are safe in his care.
No one can force change in another person, but we CAN take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions, which will bring peace in our own lives and may even bring about change in others we could never plan.
Instead of The Blame Game, how about The Change Game? How can I make changes within myself to better this situation?...
Instead of "enjoying" being the victim (which you can't really enjoy since it comes from a place of ugliness), try enjoying being empowered for a change!
c2009 Lorenda Houston
Friday, October 2, 2009
Top Ten Tips for Teens: Dating Relationships
10--BE OPEN WITH YOUR PARENTS
Even if you don't have the greatest relationship with your parents, they are still your safety net. You need to talk to them about what you're feeling and thinking. You need to talk to them about what you're going through. Remember--your parents have lived through their own teen years; they've experienced many of the same things, and not really that long ago. They made mistakes, and you can learn from them. Ask them about their mistakes. Ask them what they would do differently if they could. Ask them what they did right. God gave you parents for a reason; use them to your benefit.
9--MAKE LIKE A TURTLE AND... MOOOOVE SLOOOOW...
When you are a teenager, you've got time on your side. There is no reason to try to speed through things; no reason to speed up the process... In fact, there is a reason for the process. Each step in the dating process is important. The infatuation that overtakes you when you hit puberty, ages 11-13; the up-and-down emotional roller coaster of 14-15; the more mature, yet still not ready feelings of 16-17; and finally, the understanding and depth of 18-19. Each stage is so important. We've all known people who've skipped steps and there's always something missing when they do. I want to encourage you to enjoy the age you are and the stage in which you find yourself. Slow down and relax -- two very difficult things for teens to do, but vital nonetheless!
8--CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
Seems easy but often it isn't! Those we choose to be closest to should build us up, encourage us, make us feel better about ourselves... Of course, they should also be the ones who will be honest with us if we need correction in some area but not in a mean-spirited kind of way. In other words, the best dating relationships should certainly challenge us intellectually at times but never tear us down emotionally or psychologically.
Struggling with self-image as a teen, I fell into negative relationships quite easily. I did date someone once, though, who made me feel good about who I was as a person. He enjoyed my personality and didn't make me feel as though I should change a bunch of things about myself. He made me feel so good about myself that I knew he was the one for me, so I married him! I credit him for helping me become the person I am today.
7--DUMP SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF
If someone is constantly tearing you down, you shouldn't be with them. It's as simple as that.
I remember with sadness a relationship I had like that, and when I began dating my husband I realized even more how stupid I had been to open myself up to that kind of negativity in my life.
6--REMEMBER YOU ARE PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
We all want a successful life, a good life, a happy life, and we have to remember that every single choice we make counts toward our future. The fact is, you take all of your past into your marriage with you. You must think beyond just today, just this relationship... Whether or not the relationship you are currently in will be your marriage relationship, every choice matters. Every choice counts for or against the success of your future marriage, your future life...
5--DON'T BECOME OBSESSED
Now, this one is very difficult! Most people I know have to work really hard at this, because once you have feelings of infatuation/love/desire for another human being, obsession is an easy next step. But, obsession is unhealthy. Obsession creates the need for everything to be perfect in order for you to enjoy life, and let's face it, nothing is ever perfect, and no person is ever perfect. We must constantly, daily, take ourselves to a place of surrender before God so that he can help us keep our feelings in control. Knowing that he is in control of our lives brings a peace that allows us to enjoy relationships in a healthy way.
4--CONTINUE TO ENJOY OTHER FRIENDSHIPS
We all want to find that one person who will provide that most fulfilling connection, so it's natural that when we do, we have a tendency to close ourselves off to everyone else. But again, this can result in unhealthy obsession. And, of course, the younger you are in your teen years, the more important it is to maintain a variety of friendships. Even though your marriage relationship will ultimately be your most important relationship, you still need more than just that one person in your life. It helps to have other friends if you have a falling-out in your dating relationship, if you break up, or simply just to help keep perspective. Part of the process of the teen years is learning to relate to other human beings of both sexes. You need a variety of people in your life to even help you learn more about yourself; to help you learn what you like and don't like in another person; to help prepare you to make that ultimate decision of who to marry.
3--HAVE FUN
We all want to have fun, and the teen years are made especially for that! This should include your dating experiences. Keep it fun, keep it light...don't get serious. You'll have plenty of time to get serious later, but the time for fun and lightness is right now. Don't date anyone who tries to take it too seriously too soon.
2--KEEP THE COOKIES IN THE COOKIE JAR...KEEP THE TREASURE IN THE TREASURE CHEST...KEEP THE CANDY LOCKED UP IN THE CANDY SHOP...KEEP THE PRIVATES PRIVATE!
This is the time for DATING. Dating does not include sex. This is not the time for having a sexual relationship. That will come later. Sex was made by God to be enjoyed at a certain stage in life, and within a certain type of relationship -- a committed, monogamous marriage relationship. Anything outside of that will never be the best it could be. That's not to say that every sexual relationship within a committed, monogamous marriage relationship is perfect, but it is within those parameters that God can best help us find the greatest fulfillment. The way God set it up is not about punishment -- it is actually about what works best for all parties concerned. You need to remember that SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE...and LOVE is what you want.
Here's a scenario for you to think about... Sex is dessert. Dessert comes after all the other good stuff on your plate. If you have dessert first, you feel sick.
God made the sexual relationship to be very special. It is not just a physical union between two people. It is your most special treasure; the most special and private part of you that you can share with another person. If you begin to share that part of you, you devalue it and yourself. If you wait to share it within the context it was intended for, you will find it to be the beautiful, cosmic, transcendent connection God created it to be. If you share it too soon, too easily, too often, you will wonder what's so special about it anyway and lose such a lovely part of the enjoyment of married life...
The point is not simply to abstain from having sex. The point is to treasure the gift of intimacy God has given you to share especially with one person and look forward to the day "the two shall become one flesh", as the Bible talks about in Genesis 2!
1--YOU CAN ALWAYS START OVER
That's the beautiful thing about God--he is always there to help us get back up after we have fallen. You don't have to make a bunch of mistakes during your teen years, but if you find that you have, you can actually learn from them and start over again. Instead of taking it further in your next relationship, you can actually back up and do it the right way next time. It is very important, also, to get help for the things you have struggled with. Talk to your parents or other responsible adults you trust and figure out how to make changes in order to prevent making the same mistakes again! It's never too late!
(message shared with the teens at zeropoint on November 10, 2009)
c2009 Lorenda Houston
Even if you don't have the greatest relationship with your parents, they are still your safety net. You need to talk to them about what you're feeling and thinking. You need to talk to them about what you're going through. Remember--your parents have lived through their own teen years; they've experienced many of the same things, and not really that long ago. They made mistakes, and you can learn from them. Ask them about their mistakes. Ask them what they would do differently if they could. Ask them what they did right. God gave you parents for a reason; use them to your benefit.
9--MAKE LIKE A TURTLE AND... MOOOOVE SLOOOOW...
When you are a teenager, you've got time on your side. There is no reason to try to speed through things; no reason to speed up the process... In fact, there is a reason for the process. Each step in the dating process is important. The infatuation that overtakes you when you hit puberty, ages 11-13; the up-and-down emotional roller coaster of 14-15; the more mature, yet still not ready feelings of 16-17; and finally, the understanding and depth of 18-19. Each stage is so important. We've all known people who've skipped steps and there's always something missing when they do. I want to encourage you to enjoy the age you are and the stage in which you find yourself. Slow down and relax -- two very difficult things for teens to do, but vital nonetheless!
8--CHOOSE SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF
Seems easy but often it isn't! Those we choose to be closest to should build us up, encourage us, make us feel better about ourselves... Of course, they should also be the ones who will be honest with us if we need correction in some area but not in a mean-spirited kind of way. In other words, the best dating relationships should certainly challenge us intellectually at times but never tear us down emotionally or psychologically.
Struggling with self-image as a teen, I fell into negative relationships quite easily. I did date someone once, though, who made me feel good about who I was as a person. He enjoyed my personality and didn't make me feel as though I should change a bunch of things about myself. He made me feel so good about myself that I knew he was the one for me, so I married him! I credit him for helping me become the person I am today.
7--DUMP SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF
If someone is constantly tearing you down, you shouldn't be with them. It's as simple as that.
I remember with sadness a relationship I had like that, and when I began dating my husband I realized even more how stupid I had been to open myself up to that kind of negativity in my life.
6--REMEMBER YOU ARE PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
We all want a successful life, a good life, a happy life, and we have to remember that every single choice we make counts toward our future. The fact is, you take all of your past into your marriage with you. You must think beyond just today, just this relationship... Whether or not the relationship you are currently in will be your marriage relationship, every choice matters. Every choice counts for or against the success of your future marriage, your future life...
5--DON'T BECOME OBSESSED
Now, this one is very difficult! Most people I know have to work really hard at this, because once you have feelings of infatuation/love/desire for another human being, obsession is an easy next step. But, obsession is unhealthy. Obsession creates the need for everything to be perfect in order for you to enjoy life, and let's face it, nothing is ever perfect, and no person is ever perfect. We must constantly, daily, take ourselves to a place of surrender before God so that he can help us keep our feelings in control. Knowing that he is in control of our lives brings a peace that allows us to enjoy relationships in a healthy way.
4--CONTINUE TO ENJOY OTHER FRIENDSHIPS
We all want to find that one person who will provide that most fulfilling connection, so it's natural that when we do, we have a tendency to close ourselves off to everyone else. But again, this can result in unhealthy obsession. And, of course, the younger you are in your teen years, the more important it is to maintain a variety of friendships. Even though your marriage relationship will ultimately be your most important relationship, you still need more than just that one person in your life. It helps to have other friends if you have a falling-out in your dating relationship, if you break up, or simply just to help keep perspective. Part of the process of the teen years is learning to relate to other human beings of both sexes. You need a variety of people in your life to even help you learn more about yourself; to help you learn what you like and don't like in another person; to help prepare you to make that ultimate decision of who to marry.
3--HAVE FUN
We all want to have fun, and the teen years are made especially for that! This should include your dating experiences. Keep it fun, keep it light...don't get serious. You'll have plenty of time to get serious later, but the time for fun and lightness is right now. Don't date anyone who tries to take it too seriously too soon.
2--KEEP THE COOKIES IN THE COOKIE JAR...KEEP THE TREASURE IN THE TREASURE CHEST...KEEP THE CANDY LOCKED UP IN THE CANDY SHOP...KEEP THE PRIVATES PRIVATE!
This is the time for DATING. Dating does not include sex. This is not the time for having a sexual relationship. That will come later. Sex was made by God to be enjoyed at a certain stage in life, and within a certain type of relationship -- a committed, monogamous marriage relationship. Anything outside of that will never be the best it could be. That's not to say that every sexual relationship within a committed, monogamous marriage relationship is perfect, but it is within those parameters that God can best help us find the greatest fulfillment. The way God set it up is not about punishment -- it is actually about what works best for all parties concerned. You need to remember that SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE...and LOVE is what you want.
Here's a scenario for you to think about... Sex is dessert. Dessert comes after all the other good stuff on your plate. If you have dessert first, you feel sick.
God made the sexual relationship to be very special. It is not just a physical union between two people. It is your most special treasure; the most special and private part of you that you can share with another person. If you begin to share that part of you, you devalue it and yourself. If you wait to share it within the context it was intended for, you will find it to be the beautiful, cosmic, transcendent connection God created it to be. If you share it too soon, too easily, too often, you will wonder what's so special about it anyway and lose such a lovely part of the enjoyment of married life...
The point is not simply to abstain from having sex. The point is to treasure the gift of intimacy God has given you to share especially with one person and look forward to the day "the two shall become one flesh", as the Bible talks about in Genesis 2!
1--YOU CAN ALWAYS START OVER
That's the beautiful thing about God--he is always there to help us get back up after we have fallen. You don't have to make a bunch of mistakes during your teen years, but if you find that you have, you can actually learn from them and start over again. Instead of taking it further in your next relationship, you can actually back up and do it the right way next time. It is very important, also, to get help for the things you have struggled with. Talk to your parents or other responsible adults you trust and figure out how to make changes in order to prevent making the same mistakes again! It's never too late!
(message shared with the teens at zeropoint on November 10, 2009)
c2009 Lorenda Houston
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