musings on the eve of my birthday...

I was never afraid of age and still am not. I'll be 44 tomorrow. Some of you think that is old, some of you think that is young... It depends on your age! Really, though, age is all about perspective, right? Perspective, and well, physically speaking, the body does continually grow older... I don't remember ever wishing desperately to be a different age. I do remember being in my early 20's and in leadership already and feeling at times it would be easier to gain respect if I were in my 40's. Now that I'm in my 40's...hmmm...not so sure about that! Maybe in my 60's... :) I think I've just never felt "grown-up", although I've carried the weight of many responsibilities from a very young age... Maybe it's because I tend to think "outside the box" about things. Although naturally quiet and shy and an obedient child, still, when other people set "the rules", I'm always questioning "the rules". And yet, I have always found myself in the role of leading others, which includes setting and enforcing rules at times, putting me at odds with my own natural bent and causing occasional volcanic inner battles! Anyway, wasn't I writing about age?!? Oh, yeah, 44... It's just funny to think of my parents at this age. They seemed so much more grown-up than how I feel. Oh well, I'm sure that's not how they felt either. On second thought, my dad probably did. He seems to savor being The Grown-Up. ;)

I can say, I love life. I love the life God has given me. I feel better about where I am now than anywhere I've been before. I appreciate what I've learned from the past, and I'm excited about what's ahead in the future. At 44, I can appreciate all I've been through, and because of all I've been through, I have a clearer vision of where I need to go. I do have a confidence that can only come with age and living through mistakes and coming out on the other side, which I do appreciate since I've so struggled with self-doubt all my life. I hope I can keep learning, keep growing, keep loving, keep laughing, dancing, singing, painting, thinking, crying, feeling, writing for as long as God allows me to breathe on this earth. And, after that, all will be peace and joy forever without the struggle of trying! So, 44?... Who cares, when you're gonna live forever anyway.



c2010 lorenda houston

She lies down at dawn and rises in the early afternoon. I gently, cautiously extract myself from my cozy spot in the bed beside her so as not to cause her any disturbance of sleep. Her hearing aids lay on the bedside table, so I know she cannot hear if I move quietly enough; still, I don't want my movements to awaken her. She lies peacefully still on her cushion of sheepskin on top of the bedsheets, covered by warm blankets. Stealthily, I move out of the bedroom and into the kitchen...

Until she wakes, I mill around quietly in the ancient two-story house, home to various family members at different times throughout the years, but, in my mind, it is and forever shall be, her house. With the curtains drawn, the shadowy light provides the perfect setting for my secret discoveries and happy solitude. Everything seems magical during these hours...



c2010 lorenda houston